GUEST POST by MPM in response to “I Don’t Get It” blog post from two weeks ago.
I’ve heard that soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Ok, I get that. It’s inexpensive to play because all you need is a ball or any item to kick around. You can play it just about anywhere. You don’t need a baseball diamond or a basket or any equipment. So maybe PLAYING soccer is fun but WATCHING IT? Are you kidding me?
I’ve tried to watch it on TV but have honestly NEVER actually seen a goal scored. I’ve seen replays of goals but have never seen a goal scored live.
Here are the things I DON’T GET about soccer:
1. You have no idea how much time there is left to play in a half or game!
There is a game clock that doesn’t wind down but it winds UP. Then with a 45 minute half, the clock hits 45.00 and guess what? They keep playing! Huh?
Oh wait, the referee keeps his own time and stops the game when he decides. He has added “injury time” to the game at his discretion. The ref does the same thing at the 90 minute mark which is supposed to be the end of the game. No it’s not over. They play on until the ref says enough. Usually the game is 0-0 but I will get to that later. I don’t get it !
2. Injuries
Speaking of injury time the last time I watched soccer I thought I saw a couple of broken necks and a few broken legs. The victims were bumped into by an opponent and dropped viciously to the ground in mortal agony writhing for a minute or two. The ref gave a card that looked yellow to the player who bumped into the half-dead guy on the ground. After the ref did this the half-dead guy bounced up and got back into the play as if nothing had happened. Huh? Also if a half-dead player leaves the game he can’t re-enter unless his team decided to play shorthand while he was being given the Last Rites. I don’t get it!
3. Referees risk their life
With their duties like keeping a secret clock and handing out detention cards to mean players you might think the refs have an easy job. Really? How come some soccer stadiums have to build MOATS! around the playing field? The moats help limit the number of crazed fans that try to kill the ref. What could the fans get angry at ? Nothing ever happens during the game. There is no scoring. There are no fights. The only thing must be that if a mean player gets 2 yellow cards that equals a red card which means he’s ejected from the game and his team can’t replace him. That’s a reason to charge the field and kill the referee? The score is still going to end 0-0. I don’t get it!
4. Goalies
Why would anyone want to play goalie on a soccer team ? You touch the ball 20 times in a game but 18 of those times your own player rolled it back to you so you could kick it as far as you can. A friend asked me how a soccer goalie can be an All-Star. Good question. Every goalie has a Goal Against Average of 0.00! With the few shots a goalie sees during a game the only credit he can ever get is for screwing up. I heard of a goalie that missed a ball his teammate rolled back to him and allowed it to roll into his own net. His current roommate is Salman Rushdie. Of course that game ended 1-nil. I don’t get it!
5. Headers
With the current attention to concussions and the delayed effects of head trauma how does soccer get a free pass ? Sometimes when a goalie kicks the ball as far as he can you have 2 opposing players jump up and try to hit the ball somewhere with their head. That can’t tickle ! Sometimes the ball goes off a player and over the end line. That gives the other team a corner kick. The ball is kicked from the corner toward the goal and a dozen players jump up and try to hit the ball with their head. You can imagine how heads can miss ball and hit another head! I don’t get it!
6. There are no goals scored
In soccer you have the largest goal of any sport but nobody ever shoots the ball into the gigantic net. Maybe it’s because teams seem to have a goalie, a forward, and 9 defensemen and don’t try to score. The ball gets kicked around by the team that has it and it seems like they are just trying to keep it away from the other team. Half their kicks are backward! When they get bored they kick the ball towards the opponents side where the opponent gets it and kicks it around among themselves playing their own game of keep away. When was the last time you saw a breakaway in soccer!? If you see a soccer score of 4-3 that means there were 7 penalty kicks in the game. I don’t get it!
7. Penalty kicks
So you have a sport where the game lasts almost 2 hours with rarely a goal scored. Lets say its Nil – Nil or maybe an explosive 1-1 after the referee decides that time is up. Now what you go to is penalty kicks. Remember the goalie has probably seen 2 or 3 shots in 2 hours. Now he is supposed to stop a POINT BLANK (12 yards away) shot where he can’t move until the ball is kicked! What ? The hapless goalie has virtually no chance to make a save. He has to guess left or right and throw himself in that direction at the same instant the guy kicks the ball. Sometimes the kicker just kicks it in the middle because he knows the goalie is going to jump left or right. So you have watched for 2 hours, not seen a goal, and now they go 15 straight kicks scoring a goal until a kicker somehow kicks it over the net. I don’t get it!!!!
8. Hooligans
The one thing I DO like about soccer is the hooligan. I just love the word hooligan. Maybe it’s because my dad called me that a few times when I was a youngster. Hooligans get ID’d similar to card cheats in Vegas and stadiums are always on the lookout for known hooligans. Hooligans are sometimes organized and some of the names of hooligan groups are creative (Burnley Suicide Squad, Birmingham Zulus, Hull City Psychos). Hooligans sometimes start fights and riots which is not good and are another reason for moats and fences built around the soccer field. Excuse me “The Pitch.” Whatever. I don’t get it!
My sons played hockey…
My sons played hockey and after an extremely exciting game with tons of drama I walked up to a group of parents and yelled: “thank God I didn’t get them into soccer.” They all laughed because THEY GOT IT!
PHOTO: Pelé dribbling past a defender during Malmö-Brazil in 1960. Photo shared under Creative Commons License
